Depressed

As in, that’s something I’ve been recently. Little energy. Less interest. But as with all challenges, you slog through it.

Went on some kind of manic tear against environmentalists just before I disappeared from the webs. I’d take some of it back if I could, but it’s all out there now. Whatever. I meant whatever I said, even though I didn’t say what I meant. Could have been more diplomatic, but I can be pretty damn blunt sometimes, ‘specially when I’m being stupidly bull-headed. Ah well.

But yeah, I’ve got depression, as in permanently. Now, some of you all might be scratching your heads. “He’s got depression? So what? I get a little sad myself sometimes, too. Doesn’t make him anymore special. He’s just using it as an excuse.”

Well, no. That's not quite it. Depression is different from being sad. In fact, it's not about being sad at all. It's almost a kind of insanity. Back before I ever decided to deal with my depression, I was increasingly self-destructive. Never did any drugs. Never drank any alcohol. But I did, and still do to some extent, have some obsessions (some normal, some strange, and some terrible) that I was, and still somewhat am, madly driven to fulfill. The worst year of my life was probably 2002. How do I know this? Cause I can't really remember it. Alocholics describe blackouts. That's kind of what that year is like to me. I blacked out, and lived mostly on auto-pilot.

Uh, anyway, I'm back now, for the time being. Might slip away for a while again, but with the Canucks out of the playoffs, such is much less likely to happen. And the election's over, too. My choice didn't get elected, again. And STV was decidedly voted against, which is a bit of a (huge) letdown. But whatever. All good things come to those who wait. And I'm impatient as hell, so that doesn't do much for me.